Metastable

You remember thinking that you really, really should not have fallen in love with him. It was an uncharacteristically selfish thought (at least, you hoped it was uncharacteristic), and you always berated yourself for it. But you had to admit that you could have saved yourself a lot of grief if you knew the long nights in store for you. But then again, cancer was always something that happened to other people, and even though you felt for the patients and their loved ones, you never imagined someone close to you could end up in that position.

You found a bizarre metastability in your routine: after work, you went straight to the hospital. You always took a book with you to bring to his room. He liked listening to you reading to him. Some days went well, and his face would brighten up every time he saw you. Other days were not so good, and he would be pale and shivering even covered with three blankets. On occasion, he would be asleep, entirely exhausted from being sent to the brink and brought back again.

You liked the days when he had energy. You exchanged stories, bantered, and talked about a future that only might happen. All the plans you mulled over came with an dreadful asterisk you could not ignore. He felt so self-conscious about his rapidly thinning hair and that port on his chest. You reassured him that it was ultimately temporary, and he looks so cute in a cap! The temporary part came with an asterisk too.

When he was discharged from the hospital for the last time, of course you were relieved. Of course you were happy you could begin your life together with him. Of course you were overjoyed that he was truly yours, and you could finally look forward to the future. But why did you feel a creeping sense of trepidation? Some part of you wanted things to stay the same. Some part of you got used to the background tension in your life, the fear of losing him that made you cherish every moment you spent together. Some part of you got used to the fragile metastability you found yourself in. You tried to push that part of you aside. You were finally going to build a life together with him. You told yourself you were ready for whatever came next, that you were ready to let go of the anxiety and grief that had been animating you for years.

But it was a long way down to true stability.